Do I Understand Your Question Man, Is It Hopeless and Forlorn?

Well, I'm livin' in a foreign country but I'm bound to cross the line
Beauty walks a razor's edge, someday I'll make it mine
If I could only turn back the clock to when God and her were born
"Come in," she said, "I'll give you shelter from the storm"

-Bob Dylan

Friday

I am 10 minutes from the start of the work day. I can't get 3427.8 out of my mind. Two weeks ago her CA 19-9 was startlingly high at 2349.4, a slight increase from the February 25 measure of 2321.5, which was more than double the 939.9 two weeks prior to that. I am worried. Numbers trending up like this generally mean the tumor is growing. 0-36 is the normal range for this marker. So, fuck. Jenny hasn't checked the number, and I promised if I looked I wouldn't tell her. So, I haven't. Won't. I imagine she will look today at some point, as noted earlier, we all gaze into the abyss. It's in our nature.

This is a slow-motion train wreck.

Stage IV Prognosis

 I am scared. Jenny was provisionally diagnosed in late July, formally diagnosed in early August 2020. She was having symptoms for almost a year prior to diagnosis, and became gravely ill in May, losing 25 lbs. that month alone.  It's every day fear, not diminished, but

heightened by the passing of time. How many days and in how many ways can I name this fear. And my fear, of loss, is nothing compared to the abject terror that saddles Jenny every day. I imagine that when Leiney and Abby think about it, they are closer to terror than fear in their emotions.

Sweet memories flashing very quickly by 

Reminding me and giving me a reason why. 

-Alex Lifeson

In December of 1990, when we were in courtship, but not yet exclusively dating one another, a miraculous thing happened in Seattle, the greatest storm of my lifetime. Winds gales were clocked at over 40 miles an hour, more than a foot of snow fell, unexpectedly. Meanwhile, I lived on 47th and 7th, and was more than smitten with a young woman who lived at Lander Hall. Here is how Cliff Mast described December 18's weather:

Jenny and I had a date that evening. We were meeting at the Last Exit on Brooklyn, a Seattle stalwart, remnant of the beat and then later the hippy days of Seattle, to have mocha latte floats. Essentially, coffee, chocolate, milk and vanilla ice-cream heaven. I was wearing a baseball hat that evening, walking in a bona fide blizzard to meet her at Lander. My hat blew into the intersection of Roosevelt and 45th after one particularly strong gale caught its brim.  Fearless at 24, I walked into that intersection dark from the wind induced power outage, cars skidding by, scooped up my hat and continued on to Lander, happy as a lark. We got seats at the packed coffee house, must have been our 3rd or 4th date, had the mocha floats, and talked and laughed. Did I mention the place was packed?  Packed. 

I used to love the snow--and surely did then. We still hadn't kissed since we started dating in November. I was too shy, and she was patiently waiting. Jenny's mom was stuck at University Hospital, waiting for Mick to come pick her up, so we walked down Brooklyn and swung right on the Burke.  We laid down and made snow angels, because, well, young love. We were giddy.  I can't remember being happier with her than I was then.  We met Bea, I still remember this so vividly, in the entry way of the hospital.  Its so clear.  

I want that happiness back.  I want to taste that bliss. I need to feel that calming presence of budding love.  I want to always remember that Jenny, rather than the one who had an affair and refused to stop when found out, and blamed me for it happening.  

The snow stuck around until after the first of the year. I remember, because January 1, 1991 was the  day that Jenny and I first kissed, and the day we began this long journey together as a couple.

Postscript:  Jenny and I had actually kissed once before.  The story is interesting, but suffice it to say, January 1, 1991 is the day we started exclusively dating.