kvetching up

 Entry 1     9:56 a.m. That Jenny is dying and having an affair and refusing to stop (or now even acknowledge or admit it), and is angry that I have facts that contradict her claims and her lies, but has no real contrition for the behavior, these are all hard things.  It is tough enough to have to deal with just those things. That she alternates between denial and acceptance is understandable, most of us would likely be there--I can't see any reason I wouldn't be wrestling with that every day.  But the madness of the illness and naked manipulation that she uses in an attempt to ply compliance to her demands is, well, remarkable. It is shameless.   Just after she returned from the hospital, one night at bedtime, she was wracked with pain. It was the kind of pain that makes you act like someone has run an andiron through your right eye and prodded it out your left ear. She had had her regular pain meds, we had worked through the rescue pain meds, a ...

 Entry 1     9:03 a.m. Jenny is away at VM to do blood work, in advance of the chemo regimen which she begins today. The chemotherapy is called GTX, and consists of 3 drugs: gemcitabine, a taxol derivative, and capecitabine. The capecitabine is in pill form, and is taken daily. She also receives an infusion once a week for three weeks. Then she has a bye week, no pills, no infusion. It is 12 weeks in total. The treatment regimen, which I believe I discussed in an earlier journal entry, has been around for a very long time, since before the breakthroughs that increased the 5 year life expectancy to 2.9 percent. 2.9 percent.  Gemcitabine has been the go to drug for treatment since the 1990s, but doesn't do much, truth be told. It isn't completely ineffective, but most people die at 4.5 months on the regimen, so, it doesn't do much. 5-FU with cisplatin is the wonder treatment, that works until it doesn't. The alternating between the gemcitabine regimen and the...

 Entry 1     11:16 a.m. "They have sharpened their tongues like a serpent; adders' poison  is  under their lips. Selah." -Psalm 140:3 A liar lies. You shouldn't expect them to do otherwise. A fool tries the same thing a thousand times and fails, but never walks away.  I am that fool. This morning I tried to talk to her once more. Not about the facts, initially.  I asked, again, that she not lie to me.  She began glowering.  Stuttering. Stammering. Her face turned red. Very angry. She moved from stuttering to lying. I said, "I'm not asking you to stop the affair. Just don't lie to me."  "It's not an affair, we are just friends."  I pointed out the times I knew they saw each other. I pointed out that she lied to me on September 14, when I called her at Jennifer Murray's, and I heard a male voice.  I called it a date--the term she used to describe it--and her response was about as informative as the low moan of a landline dia...

 Entry 1     12:54 a.m. West Side Story was pretty good. Jenny made it far more entertaining and albeit, worrisome, when she started hallucinating during the movie.  That was new. Her rapid weight loss, combined with the increased strength of the meds she is taking is making for very interesting times. She thought she was in the movie she told us, and you could tell sitting next to her. When Riff was killed, I thought she was dying. When Tony and Riff are in the basement of Doc's pharmacy, and Tony was gathering cans, Jenny thought she and Leiney were gathering cans.  Wild. I let her sisters know this happened, and told them if she tries to drive, I will stop her, something I was unwilling to do before now. She will kill someone. It is plain as day. Tomorrow Becky, Jenny's Trumper friend who she went to high school with and who lives in Vancouver, is coming up to see Jenny.  She is bringing her husband, who is a chef, who will cook for us. Some small s...

Entry 1  7:50 p.m. This has been a year. I have made it through another.  I would lie if I said it was easy. This morning, I listened to Jenny talk about her chemotherapy and living another year as we spoke with her palliative care doctor.  I then spent the afternoon searching for the perfect rollator (a walker with wheels on the back)  for her after watching her spend 10 minutes on her bed recovering from the walk up the stairs--the struggle for breath a complete contradiction from her lofty beliefs about winning this fight. She would have a better sense of what is coming if she read her medical record, I would hope. I can hope all I would like, she won't read the record, which allows her to lie to herself about what is coming. I reached out to her sisters after the call to express my concerns about her unrealistic expectations, and got a lecture back from both of them that I should just continue to let her live in this denial. When I told my sister this, she told m...

 Entry 1    1:42 p.m. If it's on your list today, you may not find it at Fred Meyer. I am shopping with Abby. Why does everything have to be so complicated? Thankfully, Abby keeps me on task as I stumble through my ADHD and grief riven world.  This place looks like the Huns descended on it, which is funny given the emptiness of the road. Stuff is everywhere, shelves bare, lines ridiculous.  It will take an hour for us to check out, we've been in line 20 minutes, I swear, and have moved an inch or two. So, employee shortage as well. Jenny woke after 10, thankfully. She is incredibly weak, weaker and more unsteady than she was before the procedure. I made her eggs and toast, of which she ate a good portion. She is slurring her words today, which is weird. She is on her normal pain med regimen, or was before I left. Moni arrived shortly after Jenny had breakfast and she, the kids, and I took all the Christmas decorations down.  I got the boxes in, and will sp...

 Entry 1    4:16 p.m. We have Jenny home .  She is tired, weak, malnourished, in pain, but remarkably in good spirits. The surgeon did a second nerve block procedure when they did the stent procedure, but the pain persists. The C/T is clear where the pain is of anything that might be the cause. The oncologist, Doc P, who visited Jenny again last night, is baffled. Mind you, the pain is real, so real that only 20 mg. of oxy, a dose of dilaudid and muscle relaxants managed to get the pain to a tolerable level just a few minutes ago.  While at hospital, Jenny called me crying, and I hurried as fast as I could to see her--there was a slight problem with my Jeep being covered with snow that I had to address first. I had hoped that I could talk to a doctor, but none ever arrived once I got there. Jenny had already been discharged, and was just waiting for a transporter to get her downstairs. I am going to reach out to the palliative folks with whom which we have a mee...

Entry 1     7:35 a.m. This morning Jenny is headed home , in theory.  The house is freezing, the heating system is spotty at best in our new home and the repair people are a bit busy. I did get the heat pump to function for a few hours yesterday--thanks again Cheryl--but it gave up the ghost.  The backup electrical heating will keep the pipes from freezing, but it is no good for much else. I made the mistake of turning off the gas fireplace overnight, thinking it would be ok in here without it. I was madly mistaken. I did chore after chore yesterday, leaving it ship shape  and Bristol fashion for Jenny's arrival home . We miss her, the kids and I. We need to get her nourished now that the stent is in and nutrition possible. Lots of broth, jello, smoothies and other soft things to eat. We have a full pantry and lots of food in the fridge and freezers.  Entry 2    12:09 p.m. At hospital with Jenny.  She is complaining of a pain in her side...

 Entry 1.   11:07 a.m. Apparently, Picozzi extended Jenny's stay a day after seeing her last night, and didn't tell her.  This annoys me. Not that they want to keep her, if she needs to be there, she should be there. But no one told her.  She will be disappointed if she isn't home today. If they do keep her, I will be glad. She needs to be able to eat, to get nutrition. The dietician's note says that Jenny is at high risk with severe acute malnutrition having lost more than 5% of her body weight in the last month.  Get her fed for chrissakes. Please, get her fed. Entry 2.   1:17 p.m. Special thanks to Cheryl Reid who suggested I check my heat pump before calling for it to be repaired.  She suggested I make sure the air intake is not blocked by snow.  I still have no clue where the air intake is, but I cleared the snow from the machine and now, after 3 days, the heat pump is producing heat again.   In less positive news, because...

Entry 1     8:14 a.m.   Night and day. I visited Jenny last night. She was in high spirits AND fully hydrated for the first time in ages. She seemed to be feeling better than she has been in weeks. She was alarmingly thin, but that is unsurprising as she is still on a very restricted diet of clear liquids, and hasn't eaten in forever. She had a dextrose/saline drip, which I wish she had everyday to augment food/water intake, which due to cachexia and the duodenal blockage was close to zero for a couple of weeks at least, only alleviated until now by repeated visits to the ER. Jenny has to have a barium enhanced CT today, and then, absent any leakage from the stent in the findings, will be discharged.  Moni will bring her home. Snow on our street is still compact and unsanded, and so it will remain until it melts, so I am grateful I am not driving to VM. Entry 2.    9:19 a.m. I just spoke with Jenny. The barium CT procedure is not scheduled until 2...

 Entry 1.    7:39 a.m. Dogs woke me some.time ago, just after 7:00 a.m. Around 5:00 a.m. Jenny sent a text telling us she goes for her procedure this morning at 9:30 a.m. The sooner the better. Hopefully, this means she is home more quickly.  The G.I. surgeon will call me this morning, post-procedure (it's endoscopic), to tell me how it went. Someone gave us an electric St. Peregrine votive candle when Jenny got sick. Peregrine is the patron saint of cancer patients.  Time to flip the switch on that bad boy.   Entry 2.    9:58 a.m. Jenny has had so many scopes in the last 17 months she expected not to be put under general anesthesia.  This procedure requires it, we just learned.  I will  visit, hopefully, this afternoon.  The surgeon says he expects she will be home tomorrow. Fingers crossed. Entry 3     11:50 a.m. The surgeon called just after 11. The procedure, he told me, was a success. Jenny was awake a...

 Entry 1    12:15 p.m. Jenny is in the hospital until Wednesday. I am home with the girls. She has a procedure in the morning. Not much else to report. Our heat pump stopped working, so our backup electric heat system kicked in. It is for shit. We have the gas fireplace and two electric heaters in the living room to supplement the electric heat that kicks in when the heat pump isn't working. It is quiet here. The girls are on the sofa, and have been together for more than an hour. It is a combination of the cold basement, the need for emotional support to deal with the fears we all harbor, that drove Abby from her lair.  I am grateful.  So many of Jenny's friends are reaching out. The time is coming that I will talk to them for the last time. I am dreading Jenny's death. I am also dreading the pregnant "how are you doing" questions that will come for the next year or years. The "I am so sorry" and "How are the kids handling this?" statements an...

 Entry 1     7:32 p.m. At hospital. We arrived at 7:00 and were brought right in to an exam room.  Jenny didn't keep anything down today.  Again.  She desperately wanted to stay home--ans not be admittrewho could blame her.  I wanted to stay home, but need her to get water and nourishment. Here comes the doc. .  . She has Dilaudid on board. I'm jealous. She is still starving though. I am thankful her pain is gone.

 Entry 1.   1:57 a.m. No ghost came to visit me on the hour. I won't wake up a changed man. I will wake up with the anguished pleas of Jenny to stop the suffering still ringing in my head. I need her to get admitted today, she is suffering so. I have been awake worrying for nearly 24 hours, and sleep is about as close as the nearest star. Please let this Christmas be memorable for her, let it bring some sustenance for her soul, since she cannot eat anything less ethereal.  May the girls love their gifts and the celebratory atmosphere when my sisters come, and may the roads be clear enough to get to VM easily. Entry 2     8:30 a.m. Jenny is awake, and called me upstairs to visit. She told me she feels better this morning, which is good after last night, when she was in so much pain and so hungry she was begging to die. Christmas morning, let's hope it is peaceful.

 Entry 1.    1:04 p.m. I was up with Frank into the wee small hours of the morning, when the whole wide world is fast asleep . I wasn't listening to that masterpiece, the first-ever concept album by the way (yes, the king of cool, ol' blue eyes invented that now dead construct), but to his first Christmas album. I bought it at Peaches🍑 Records, near my then home in the U-District. It was the day Jenny and I went on our first date, seeing The Act Theater's production of A Christmas Carol . I also bought Bummed Out Christmas, but that seemed too on point. Jenny threw up all of her stomach contents again this morning. She is having broth now, but I am fairly convinced, given she has thrown up every day for days on end, that this will not stay with her either.  She was out running errands, when she called to tell me. I am not kidding. She can't stand for more than a few seconds, nor walk more than a few feet without risking collapse, has no nutrition in her body, and i...

Jenny's CT results have been read by me. I tried to find them last night, to no avail. They tell a terrible story. Pancreatic cancer is a monster.  She doesn't know or hasn't read or doesn't remember all that was told to her. I won't write them here until she knows. I am very glad we have 🎅🎅🎄⛄🎄⛄ ❄️🦌🎅🎅 Christmas together.

Entry 1. 9:31 a.m. Jenny is still in bed, but has talked to Edit at VM. We should expect some calls today. The reason the block never really worked is because the pain is coming from the duodenum, and the pressure is on nerves not deadened by the plexus block.  So, that makes sense.  She can't up her dosage of oxycodone, but they will likely prescribe a fentanyl patch for her.  They also have scheduled the procedure (placing of the stent) for the 27th, but support her coming in on Sunday inpatient.  More as I learn new information. I have been up since 3:43 a.m. worried about the implications of chemo. She is getting a pill six days a week, an infusion one. But if she keeps nothing down, what use is a pill? When she empties the contents of her stomach--she empties the entire contents of her stomach.  With her cancer raging, what is the point of this chemotherapy if she will just throw it up? She will absorb enough to get the side effects maybe, but to do any goo...

 Entry 1 9:22 p.m. W hat a long day of troubles.  It was a day of upset and good news. Like Yin and Yang or the spread of the omicron virus and extending work from home for several more months.   First, my friend in Wisconsin had zero margins after her procedure. This means her cancer is gone. They got all of it. Her kids can stop worrying. Her friends can breathe a sigh of relief. Also, fuck cancer. It's the best news I have heard in a long time, and it truly made my morning. Great way to start the day.  It didn't get better, although, in fairness, it is hard to imagine how it could, other things being equal. I woke Jenny at 10. Feeling horrible, her bowl of applesauce from last night, sitting in the bed barely touched, the bowl miraculously not upset while she slept.  She looked dehydrated, defeated, disappointed, haggard, worn, spent. Its that look you get when it's 3 a.m. and you've been driving down a strange highway since the bartender kicked you out ...

 Entry 1     10:57 p.m. This post feels like it needs to be a triptych.  Not a beginning, middle and end, but the day feels like it is three different days rolled into one.  It was full. Los Perros Malos have been moved downstairs to the dining area for sleeping quarters, the placement of the treadmill making their relocation necessary.  The good news is that meant the dogs wake up Leiney, still sleeping on the couch, who feels duty-bound to let them out and let me sleep. I woke hearing Buddy's bark. A notorious escape artist, I presumed he'd broken free from his cell. Turns out, Leiney as kind and conscientious as ever, let the dogs out. Returning to sleep was out of the question, so I got up. Our housecleaner arrived at 8:00 a.m.. Apparently the kitchen got short shrift today, according to Moni, who was over later in the day to clean the fridge out and then made some concoction for us to eat for dinner. I finally called a dishwasher repair guy, who w...

 Entry 1.  1:53 a.m. We go to the Central Cinema each year for the Christmas Sing-a-Long. It is a family affair. We typically have between 15 and 20 people there, and have had more, likely.  Filled with mostly videos from the 1980s, it is a roaring good time.  But we didn't go last year, and this year we all bought tickets excited to restart the tradition.  And then.  .   ..fucking omicron. At least it isn't omega.  So, we are having a few family members over to do the Sing-a-Long later this week. With regard to omicron, I have been to a restaurant, shopping, and took the kids to the movies today, because I have some sort of death wish.  No more. I am not going out again, and want people who come into the house to be tested.  Jenny won't put up with that last measure, I will guess. But she cannot have a booster. She has already been off chemotherapy since November 18--I asked her tonight.  Her meds are due tomorrow, they are be...

 Entry 1     10:24 p.m. Processes and mechanisms associated with cancer-associated cachexia Cachexia, also known as wasting disease, is a condition that is common among cancer patients, and is often what kills you before the cancer itself. I've written about it here before. Jenny weighed 147 lbs. last night, which seems to be a stable weight. She is so thin and gaunt it is incredible. But, sans chemo--its been four weeks, she seems more robust. She can't stand for long periods of time, she can't walk for very many feet without risking collapse, but she has stopped the freefall.  Her meds still haven't arrived from wherever they are being shipped from, and Christ only knows what the cancer is up to inside her body.   Yesterday, a family friend brought over a treadmill for Jenny to use in her battle against cachexia. Cachexia weight loss eliminates lean muscle mass and the good fat in your body, rendering you weak and without energy reserves.  ...

 Entry 1     3:04 p.m. Last night, as I was upstairs avoiding Jane The Virgin, binging that happens every single day since Leiney arrived home, Jenny got a call from Abby's therapist.  I had emailed the therapist last week to make sure she knew how seriously ill Jenny is, concerned that Abby and Jenny may have achieved détente, but have yet to establish entente between them. We got rid of the peace table years ago, but it sure would come in handy, let me tell you.   Jenny took the call in her room. I was in the office watching Quincy, because I am a nerd, when she came in upset.  Clearly, the therapist had talked to Abby trying to help move the peace process along. She informed Jenny that Abby felt Jenny still hadn't apologized for failing to help her through her difficult middle school years. It isn't untrue that we, Jenny and I, dropped the ball. Abby switched schools on her own in 6th grade to attend the neighborhood school, and to get away fro...