Days Of Auld Lang el pinché

Entry 1  7:50 p.m.

This has been a year. I have made it through another.  I would lie if I said it was easy. This morning, I listened to Jenny talk about her chemotherapy and living another year as we spoke with her palliative care doctor.  I then spent the afternoon searching for the perfect rollator (a walker with wheels on the back)  for her after watching her spend 10 minutes on her bed recovering from the walk up the stairs--the struggle for breath a complete contradiction from her lofty beliefs about winning this fight. She would have a better sense of what is coming if she read her medical record, I would hope. I can hope all I would like, she won't read the record, which allows her to lie to herself about what is coming. I reached out to her sisters after the call to express my concerns about her unrealistic expectations, and got a lecture back from both of them that I should just continue to let her live in this denial. When I told my sister this, she told me in a care call organized earlier this week--people are going to spend weekdays with Jenny going forward--Moni suggested Jane start going through Jenny's closet and get rid of clothes now, to make it easier for when Jenny passes.  Ummm. Jane didn't, wouldn't do that. 

Mike and Jane came over.  People are being scheduled to come over to spend time helping out, which is great. Jane cleaned the house and is meticulous. She spent a lot of time with Jenny, comforting her, telling her she loves her, and helping Jenny through the sorrow, fear, and frustration she is feeling. After Jane finished cleaning, Mike and Jane took Jenny and me to get a milkshake--really to get Jenny a milkshake, but I was there so.  .  .

Missed It By That Much

Entry 2, January 1, 2022 12:05 a.m.

I have been naive.  Stupid, in fact. I complained recently that Jenny is always hiding her phone as I walk by.  Of course, she changed her password and made her screen lock timeout after 30 seconds, even after telling me she would let me look at her phone any time.  That was months ago.  I lost the insight provided by her vision memos where she fantasized about el pinché months ago,  So I looked at her phone today.  I didn't know what to expect, maybe kvetching about me. Not sure why I am surprised that she was texting with her boyfriend when my sister and her husband went out of their way to take care of her today, by driving her up to Burgermaster on Aurora, on the other end of the city--with her all the while texting with el pinche. The roads were drivable despite the snow, but still. She just never fails to surprise me, to disappoint me. I am waiting on her hand and foot/ I am, she would tell you, doing everything I can to make her feel better or maybe just suffer less. And she is communicating with this mook, carrying on her affair.  Big deal, she sent a measly text while we were together today,. Well, ok.  What if I were to tell you the issue is a bit more than that.  Would it suprise you to learn that she has been seeing him regularly, that she has seen him quite recently, and is scheming on how to continue this until she can no longer see him?

This isn't mere speculation, nor is it supposition.  No, I spent a lot of time on her phone--5 minutes or so. Not as much as I would have liked, but enough time to know that what I said above is true. I have instances of her discussing with ppl how to best connive to see el pinché. Let's explore this, shall we? 

Last week on December 22, Jenny declined admission to the hospital, despite being so ill that three days later the nutritionist determined she was suffering from starvation and that she had been starving for about a month. They gave her two boluses of water at the ER that night, and could have given her four. But, she wanted to be home for Christmas, so she refused to be admitted. She could barely walk, almost collapsing every time she got up. The two boluses of water made her feel much better on the 23rd and 24th, at least in the morning. On the 24th, she felt so good that she insisted on going to see her friend Lori. Lori who is dying of ovarian cancer at 77.  It was Christmas Eve. So sweet. Jenny promised  me she would park close and not walk too far, I was worried. I didn't want her to drive, offered to drive her in fact.  She declined my offer.  I couldn't stop her. So off she went.  She did go see Eick.  With el pinché.  It was an afterthought, really. She went to see el pinche and then texted Eick to see if they could visit.  Well, it was Christmas Eve, can you blame a girl?  Remember, the next night I had to take her to hospital and was there with her late into the night, where she was admitted and stayed for several days. I do begrudge the fact that she is risking her health to go out and see this mook, likely making herself more sick, and then I have to pick up the pieces. Let's not even talk about risking catching and spreading COVID-19. Let's not forget that she could have been spending time with her two daughters on Christmas Eve. Merry Fucking Christmas.

Okay, so Christmas Eve, Geoff, I get it. Shitty. But its only one time.  She has told you she can't see him anymore.  So, she had a need to see him one more time, and its Christmas.  Like a Christmas miracle, if you will.  I might be able to swallow that pill if that was all I had read. That wasn't all I had read.  She saw him on December 8.  This was another visit to see Eick, ostensibly to have dinner. She just failed to mention that she was dining with el pinché as well.  Jennifer Murray, abettor-in-chief, the person who took pictures of el pinché and Jenny embracing that I discovered on Sept 11 of 2020., is who received the December 8 text.  

There are more.  They had a renzdevous at Jennofer Murray's on September 14, to watch the Seahawks. When I accused Jenny that night of being with el pinché, I heard a man's voice while on the phone with her, she lied to me and insisted over and over that it was Murray's gardener that I had heard. I let it go., not thinking she would brazenly lie to me as she has been doing over the last 4 years.  This is an email to her friend Kim, who came to visit us from Pennsylvania over the summer. I don't understand how all of these people think this is ok.  I am utterly baffled what she may be telling them.  It isn't the story she tells me.  In our tandem therapy, she gets so angry with me for telling her I don't believe her when she makes claims that she doesn't see him anymore, that they aren't together. Unbelievable. 

There are still more, but this is enough for tonight's post. Between September and December she has seen him multiple times.  I am sure she deleted all of her texts older than that. 

And now she is on a knife's edge.  She is seemingly dying. Her sisters think so, I think so.  And is she concerned about making amends, is she concerned about, as Woody Guthrie said, "getting her business fixed right?"  She is so sick that her sisters, my sisters, and her best friend Amy have been arranging care for Jenny, Monday through Friday, so I can work.  Jenny is unhappy with this arrangement. But look how fucked I am--she has all of her friends willing to help her get to this guy.  I want to say this again, I have only been good to her, she would tell you that. I take care of her and have taken care of her with no complaint. And still, here it is--she has no regard for me.  Nothing has changed. She is sicker than ever, and is still lying, cheating, neglecting her daughters and  gaslighting me.

I opened up this Pandora's Box, this Apple phone. And I found this stuff. I was blissfully ignorant. She promised she wouldn't lie to me anymore, and I told her I didn't believe her. But I did. And I was a fool.  

Entry 3     11:49 a.m.

 So, I couldn't help it.  I had to talk to her. I managed to keep my calm.  She lied and denied. Then she deigned to cry. I was calm. I told her I wasn't angry but hurt that she lied.  She refused to get out of bed, so I left for a time, and went and continued the morning clean up and the clean up of Christmas detritus.  Then I returned. She still refused to get out of bed. She said "I don't deserve you."  I replied, "That is ridiculous. All I asked of you was not to lie to me. Why did you lie?"  Her response, put on your sunglasses or the gaslighting that is coming may be harmful to your retinas, "My therapist told me to."  I pointed out that she promised me she would not lie. It is likely her explanation is prevarication, but given the shit nature of her cancer coach, it is possible she received that advice.  I explained to her it would have been far better to just say she wasn't going to tell me when she sees el pinché, rather than lie about whether she was seeing him.

Entry 4.    2:15 p.m.

R. and R.
Spa bath with lavender bath bomb.