Ah Changes Are Taking The Pace I'm Going Through

 Entry 1        11:24 a.m. 

Big news on the work front.  Jenny has decided it makes sense to go on long-term disability, rather than working.  This pleases me.  She came home half-dead this week, as she went to TOPs to help with buses and lunches.  We will be fine with her being on LTD, and it will allow her to continue to volunteer to do things she loves, to see friends, to travel.  Her friend that bought her the handmade mattress is going to fly up and get Jenny in her private jet and take her to San Francisco for a few days, something that would not have been possible if she had opted to work.  

Truth is, she realizes that as much as she would like to work, it is just too much.  It just is. I am glad she has made this decision. It took a long time to get her used to the idea, but she is there, and I am relieved.

More on Cancerembryonic Antigen (CEA)

Jenny's CEA is at 14.3 ng/ml, for reference.  She is making all this research fall apart, as she beats all expectations:

Results: Median overall survival (OS) was significantly shorter for patients with high CEA (>5 ng/ml) than with normal CEA (≤5 ng/ml) (6.8 vs. 10.3 months, respectively; p < 0.001). After adjustment, CEA level was an independent predictive factor for OS (hazard ratio [HR], 1.81; 95% confidence interval [CI], 1.45-2.26). In the high CEA group, OS in patients treated with combination chemotherapy was similar to that with single-agent chemotherapy (median, 7.1 vs. 6.8 months; HR for OS, 0.99; 95% CI, 0.71-1.40).

Conclusions: The present results show that CEA level is an independent prognostic factor in patients with metastatic PC. A combination chemotherapy regimen may offer modest survival benefit in patients with high CEA.

One of the key reasons that Jenny is alive, besides sheer will and tenacity,  I believe, may be the Chinese medicine regimen she follows daily.  Have I mentioned this?  Here is the summary from an excellent summary of it's efficacy, when used in combination with chemotherapy:

Pancreatic cancer has the lowest survival rate among all cancers. The mean survival is 14 months after resection and 5 months after palliative surgery. For patients with metastatic pancreatic cancer, standard chemotherapy treatment yields a median survival of only 6 months. The National Cancer Institute’s SEER survival monograph showed that the 5-year survival rate for 20,829 pancreatic adenocarcinoma patients was only 2.3%.

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The survival of patients who received CHM ranged from 4 months to 10 years, with a mean 29.6 months and median 15.2 months. Seventy-six percent survived at least 1 year. The results support a better prognosis for pancreatic cancer patients who receive CHM treatment compared with conventional treatment alone.

My knee keeps locking. It is painful, quite so, but more annoying than anything. Gravity always wins.

Entry 2        1:55 p.m.

On fronte del pinché, it seems he is out of the picture.  My sister predicted this about a year ago, that the cancer would eventually lead him to end it.  I like to think busting him was also a catalyst. The "he is working on his marriage" statement Jenny made and that I journaled about earlier, seems to be a true statement. She hasn't made mention of him in her memo these last couple weeks.  It is interesting.  

But, let's be clear, he stopped this, according to her story.  He stopped.  Her demands that I return to the bed became pitched this week in therapy, but the half-assed relationship therapist was having none of it. Guess she brought the half of her ass that is smart this week.  She was rather effective in just ignoring Jenny's claim, albeit noting that we both have repeatedly agreed therapy is not to repair the relationship but to manage to live together.

To be frank, who knows if she is telling the truth or not.  I can't make her love me, and am past thinking I can save whatever this has become.  I find joy in making her happy and comfortable, find purpose in caring for her when she needs it.  Right now, that has to be enough for me.  I am lonely, but less lonely than a year ago, when this all broke.  Friends, many reading this, have helped tremendously, as have time, my kids, my family and my dogs.

My thoughts do stray to the future, on occasion. I am fearful.  I won't lie.  For all that is to come.  But, come it must, like it will for each of us sooner or later.  Steeling myself now seems like a pipe dream.  Many of you reading this, like me, have watched many people we love die, some of you a few. After 30, its almost impossible not to have had death touch you. It never gets easier. It changes how you react, having already experienced loss when it happens again, but it doesn't make the loss any less jarring, nor the mountain climbed afterward any less steep.

Tomorrow, knee brace and all, we will finish unpacking.  Sunday, I will mow the lawn.  Life keeps moving, so does Jenny, so must I.

Entry 3        3:04 p.m.

I was surprised to learn in therapy that apparently Jenny is doing everything around the house, and she resents it.  Again, the therapist was incredibly effective in shutting the narrative down.  To be clear, Jenny was angry she has been paying bills, and was resentful that I, in her estimation, only wanted to look at financials to see what money she had spent on her affair.  I corrected her and noted I was both extremely interested in how much of our money was squandered on their 2x a month hotel visits, secret trips, dinners, and exchange of gifts.  I also wanted to see our financials.  She had always done the books, and she still does pay the bills. So, the complaint is valid, in that she pays the bills.  I do look, regularly at them.  But, on most days, for the last year, I am running the household, caring for the kids, the dogs, and the spouse.  She constantly, even today, thanks me for taking such good care of her.  So, it is confusing.