It Is What It Is
The New Yorker has an article about my professor, my mentor, my former boss (I was his TA for two years and then his teaching fellow in constitutional law at NYU), and friend, the late Prof. Derrick Bell Jr. A leading anti-racist, scholar, author and activist of civil rights for people of color, women, the LGBTQ community and more, he taught constitutional law through the lens of critical race theory, and in fact founded the discipline back in the 1970s. A brilliant mind and a compassionate soul, his work is, and will remain, a seminal analysis of race, racism and American law. You can read the story without going through the paywall here: http://hnn.us/article/181240.
Sigh. Fuck depression. It makes me feel like a dolphin dragging a stray gill net around with sharks chasing me in a hurricane. It's kicked my ass, and stayed around like the guest who won't leave, even when you have walked them to the door, told them you need to sleep, and keep yawning and looking at the clock. The bastard just keeps prattling on, even as you slowly start shutting the door. Yeah, fuck depression.
I have been up and down stairs and in and out of the house innumerable times this morning.
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| I love how Buddy is laying on my clean clothes.. |
The dogs, very curious about the yard after the rain, are worn out. The last time I was out, a few minutes ago, I noticed a large portion of a tree from the county's property next door came down and fell into our plum trees. I'd wager the broken piece to be 20-25 feet long. Not happy about that, but on the bright side, it wasn't one of the big maples falling into our home. I was awake until 3, intentionally (long story for another entry or post), and didn't hear the wind blowing hard enough to snap a tree.
Another thing to be grateful for, this deep tub, where I can soak my knees. The room is incredibly bright, and I am lucky to have this cavernous and long tub. I may not leave this today.
Jenny is in Moses Lake. She went over yesterday morning. Her sister Chris is starting a six-week trip in the travel camper they just commissioned. Clearly maximizing early retirement. Jenny is distraught that her sister is leaving for so long, as we continue to hang by a thread, this blasted cancer informing every thought. Whoever said fear is a man's best friend (Billy Bragg) was full of shit. Who can blame Jenny for worrying about her sister's absence?
However, fall is here, and to turn this into a story with a brighter ending, Jenny is buying a box of apples in Thorpe (if she can't buy them at the Moses Lake farmers' market) and I will be making my somewhat annual applesauce.
Jenny just sent me a text, this is now routine, telling me, "I just don't believe I'm dying." :(
Entry 2 9:05 p.m.
Sleep. She brings sanctuary. I am falling into her arms, even as I write this. I spent the last day and a half tending to the dogs, one a rambunctious 5 month old 40+ lb. ball of greased lightning. Tonight, after arriving home from a celebratory dinner for Leiney who is off to Western tomorrow, I tell Jenny I am going to sleep. "You are going to bed. I wish I could go to bed. You said I have to stay up with the dogs after we get home." I did say something adjacent to that, but not that. What I said, I said not because I was giving her an assignment, but because the dogs had been in the crate for a few hours while we were out. For all I care, she could crate them again whenever she wanted, but she would be getting up to let them out again, if done too soon. I said to her, "I have been watching the dogs for the last day and a half. Staying up for another hour to watch them really isn't a lot. Goodnight."
I have been sleeping in the basement for several days. It's a long story. I stayed up until 3 last night sitting on the sectional to make sure the dogs didn't wake up seeking to go relieve themselves. I wanted to spare Leiney having to go outside, and she didn't have to, so it worked. I then went to the basement to sleep.
She has no regard for me much of the time. None.
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