Up And At 'Em

Entry 1     6:27 a.m.

Woke up at 430 to the sound of packing tape being unspooled.  Twas, Abby, who had yet completed packing, and consistently refused to let anyone help her. Her room went quiet around 5.  The movers arrive between 8-9. She will be cranky today, to be sure.

Jenny was texting with el pinché, under the full effect of her nightime meds, when I pried her off the sectional and coaxed her to her bed. I was angry about this, but said nothing. She would lie or feign surprise, or more likely, both. I am, after almost a year of this, exhausted.  I am tired.  I am weary. I could sleep for 1000 years.

I think my anger today stems from the fact that everything I do is for her, whether its a vacation the week we should be moving or readying the house for a move, the extra work I had and have to do because we weren't home; the riding in the sand dunes, riding with her behind the wheel despite the risk. Shit, the purchase of the car itself.  Her second new car. I've never owned a new car. I spent months finding that car for her.  The long drive home yesterday, which was also for the safety of everyone else in the car, but still, I did it happily, to care for her because it is what I would want someone to do for me. The waiting on her hand and foot, all the time. All the time. The constant fetching of a glass of water, or medicine, or a pharmacy refill or gas for the car, or the remote control, or a pillow, or a sweater, or something to eat. The care and feeding of the dogs (who have come back from the sitter with fleas). Comforting her multiple times a day, trying to make her life easier at every turn.  

To what end?  I am no saint.  I, in fact, am annoying to live with, to be sure, as is any human being, over the course of time. But, she is not nice to me, not nice to me a lot. Getting annoyed by someone's habits and peccadillos that you have tolerated over time is human, and it takes work to keep snark in check over such things. However, getting angry over my anxiety driven minor mistakes, like almost taking the wrong turn, well given all I am doing to look past a major flaw, well  such behavior is now rubbing me raw. I clearly need coffee.