Now I Can See Love's Taken Her Toll On Me

Now I Can See Love's Taken Her Toll On Me

Today, technically yesterday, was therapy.  My therapist helped get me to this point over  the course of months.  It shouldn't have been a revelatory session.  There isn't any unplowed land, but it does seem that I have let some ground lay fallow as we have been on this journey, not wanting to face the truth--that Jenny doesn't love me enough to end the affair, and all I keep trying to do, without realizing it, is to convince her that I am worthy of her love.  But that effort is always going to be for naught, and doesn't make sense.  

I want out.  People may think I'm being selfless by staying, despite the affair, and caring for her when she is dying, but I'm not.  I simply cannot bear the thought that she will die of cancer loving someone else, not me.  She will die of cancer.  She will never love me.  

Nothing is scarier to me than contemplating a world where the woman I have loved for 30 years, is permanently absent.  

I said to Decky, my therapist that she is the one who pointed out to me that the selfishness of people that are dying can really come to the fore.  And, she also noted people who are having affairs are acting selfishly under the spell of new and/or forbidden love.  Finally, she told me that the combination of the two will only serve to amplify the selfishness.  

I mentioned the earlier conversation to her today in session.  I was expressing empathy for what Jenny is going through.  Not acceptance.  Not even tolerance, just empathy.

Decky listened and then told me that many people, including clients she has had in the past who are dying do not act this way, but in fact try to make amends, try to be as close to the family as possible, and put their needs above their own.

I responded, that the focus on family and healing us isn't Jenny.  Jenny is being Jenny.  Jenny comes first, her interests are the most important,  and anything other than total support for her endeavors is betrayal. This isn't new behavior, only amplified.  I hadn't recognized it as clearly as I do now.  I want my words to be careful, precise, exacting.  

A brief aside: The girls, Jenny and I went to hike at Tiger Mtn. some years ago.  We were heading up to Poo Poo point, where there is a cliff with a launch pad for hang gliders, and a spectacular view of downtown Seattle. Abby fucking hated hiking, as a rule and her ankle hurt.  That day my knee (surgery 2x in the 1990s) was acting up.  I can't remember if Leiney had any complaints, but what I do know is we hiked all the way up, with Abby dragging ass, had a picnic just below the point where the view of Mt. Rainier was unimpeded, and then hiked down. Again, Abby was dragging ass, and I most certainly was limping along.  Jenny is angry that this mandatory fun isnt fun, nor enforceable.  As we near the trailhead, Jenny says angrily that she is in the wrong family, and continues uttering lamentations because everyone doesn't share all of her interests.  She was upset that we weren't overjoyed with the hike.  

I told Decky I understood. I keep lamenting about Jenny's  lack of focus on family and her familial legacy.  I said I hope that I would want to spend as much time with my family as possible, and that I would focus on making amends for wrongs I may have committed were I in her position.  But, we don't know what we will do until we get there, so clucking my tongue at behavior I don't understand, that knowingly causes pain verges on sanctimony.

So, the therapist named my challenge.  I need, crave, yearn for the approval of Jenny, even though I am dedicated to the proposition of divorcing her when she goes into remission.  Advantage Dr. Fiedler.  In fact, I forfeit the match.  Trying to undo this ridiculous need, borne from childhood attachment issues with my binge alcoholic and bipolar mother, will take time and strategery.

I found this description apt:

The introverted, covert narcissist may have a more gentle approach to explain why something is your fault and they are not to blame. They might even pretend to be a victim of your behavior or engage in emotional abuse to put themselves in a position to receive reassurance and praise from you. At the end of these interactions, the goal of the narcissist is to make the other person feel small.


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