Today Is Your Birthday

Leiney turned 19 this morning at 634 a.m. She has the most positive disposition of anyone I know. She also makes Jenny and I look like we hold 1950s small town conservative values.  Leiney's beliefs are well informed and based on reading, schooling, podcasts, life experience and activism. 

She is everything I would be if I could go back and do my life over again. She can be sanctimonious, can perseverate, and be very judgmental of her parents, but that goes with the territory of the adult teen years. She has it all figured out. For now. She is a light burning bright.

The Birthday Party

It was a low key affair.  Jane and Catherine came over, Jenny's sisters are in Sun Valley.  Abby was moody, said moodiness has escalated in tbe last few days, for reasons unclear.  Moreover, she is aloof with even me, which is new.  That was true even before last night's drive to Red Robin. She, at 15, can truck no advice or direction on her driving.  When I told her last night that her mom believes she is ready to pass the test, she said with her voice redolent with disdain, "I have been ready."  Also, I should note that until recently we had a pretty good sarcastic bantering game going, but now, no rapport. She does not interact unless she has too.  Im sad and perplexed with what is going on.  

Anyway, to make matters worse, I was having terrible anxiety. I didn't know we were picking the food up, and since Jenny was using the door dash app, assumed delivery.  So, my Type A personality kicked in, which made my anxiety worse.  Then, when I realized I had to ride with the student driver AND that we would have to park in that fucking nightmare ersatz parking lot at the construction riven Northgate, fuggedaboudit.

So, Abby did fine driving up, but I got nervous as we approached Northgate.  The left turn you take at the bottom of 5th was hair-raising. I told her to wait, she got pissed saying, "I got it," waited for the first of two cars and then punched it as a second car was closely approaching.  We made it through, but it was a bad decision and I was in full blown fight or flight now.  When we got onto the property,  I told Abby to turn right at the stop sign, not realizing that a left turn was foreclosed because of construction a gate blocked the way. She was beyond annoyed.  In the lot I gave directions of where to park.  They were neither helpful nor appreciated, understandably. She found a spot.  Parked, and I got out and got the meals.  The cashier  and I checked the bag to make sure the order was right, and pointing to a cardboard box said, "these are extra fries."  I thought, "bonus," went back to the car and share them with Abby. She was still sullen but it was a frenchy fry mediated sullenness. 

Fuck.  Then she started to back out.  Finally the SATs come in handy.  A student driver maneuvering a car in the Northgate Red Robin parking lot is equivalent to:

A) Trying to fit Einstein's brain into Donald Trump's skull;

B) Fitting 20 lbs. of rice into a teaspoon;

C) Trying to fit Lou Ferrigno into a 2021 American Airlines' coach seat; or 

D) All of the above.

It is treacherous.  As she backed out, she almost hit the car parked to her right. I said you are going to hit that car, and she lost it.  She remaneuvered, got confused for a moment which way to turn the wheels and got angry when I watched behind her as she was backing up.  

We got out of the lot.  She did fine.  As we were traveling down 80th after crossing Lake City Way, she got super close to the cars parked on her right. Now, the road itself is narrow, and cars park on both sides of the street.  Also, she is a new driver and I think it not unusual to try to avoid the centerline.  But when she almost bumped the mirror on the truck next to us, I said you need to move over to the left a little.  She did, but when I said that is good, she snapped, "I didn't move at all.  All you ever do is nitpick."  And, I said back to her, "If you want me to ride with you, you have expect my direction. Period."  She hasn't really spoken to me since.  We rode home quietly, walked into the house quietly.  She ate her dinner quickly and retreated to her room until cake, ice cream, and presents.

So, when we got home Jane and Catherine had arrived.  Jenny sat on the sectional near the fire, Leiney sat in her usual place, where the two pieces of the sectional meet, and Catherine was at the end closest to the hall. Jane sat in Omi's chair. It was low key.  I took a half Xanax. After waiting on everyone, delivering their orders (save for keto Jane who came with her own meal.  I plopped down on the coach fairly close to Jenny.  She began rubbing my arm and shoulder after I reported my anxiety.  But, it was weird.  It felt perfunctory, like she wanted my sisters to see she cares about me.  

Leiney was her normal gracious self, understandably happy given it was her day.  My Xanax didn't do a fucking thing for my anxiety.  So,  I looked to find another attitude adjuster.  Jane asked me if I had been walking, and I conceded that I had barely been doing so.

Abby came out for the birthday celebration, sitting between Catherine and Leiney, not making eye contact really, or smiling.  At some point during present opening, I noticed she had that look of anxiety that you have during a panic attack.  She retreated to her room as soon as the last present was opened.

Leiney loved her gifts. Jenny, like usual, got all the gifts.  The biggest hit were the boxing pads, which I had to wear later in the evening so Leiney could punch.  She throws a hard punch. 

Leiney's obsession with  the Office spurred Jenny to make her an Office themed cake, which Leiney adored. Amy, who spent tbe night in case Jenny had to go to hospital again in the middle of the night after chemo, like happened three weeks ago, decorated the dining room to match the Office theme.  To say Leiney was pleased would be an understatement.  

I worry that this may be the last time Leiney has her mother at a birthday. party.  The thought is frightening, and helped drive last night's anxiety ridden sleep.