Give Me Land, Lots of Land and The Starry Skies Above

 Entry 1     1:11 a.m.


I got an estimate for a fence.  Mind you, it wasn't for a four walled fence, just a fence at the front and a fence at the back of the house. The front would be hog wire, and would keep the dogs down below. Given the massive amount of blackberries, no fence would be needed on the south end of the yard, nor on the bottom north. I envisioned a hog wire fence up top, 5 feet in height, and a six foot chain link on the western edge (there would still be an entire space west of it larger than the groomed yard, but it is trees and again a blackberry jungle. All City's quote, cash before delivery--25k.  Now, I don't build fences, but if I did, I think the materials wouldn't run me that much, maybe a few grand. Not a lot of wood.  But, I am struggling to swallow the price. I can afford it, it just seems bonkers to lay out that kind of cash. Bonkers.

I am awake, listening to all the music I have been posting since Jenny died. Some of it several times. My sorrow is not abating, but getting worse. My depression only deepens. I talk to a psychiatrist today or tomorrow, who fucking remembers? 

I have been gathering pictures for a slide show, a monumental task. Monu-fucking-mental. It is hard, but not as  hard as I thought it would be looking at images of someone gone forever. My mom is in there too. Friends from camp, long dead, also keep popping up. Ultimately all of us will only exist in pictures. That's the way life goes. 

I will be getting a small pension immediately, and until I die, from Jenny's defined benefit pension. It is PERS 3, which is definitely shit. But, its something and I am grateful. Her 401(k)  also will be nice to have, although I wager its at 70% of what it was at when she passed.

Jenny was blessed with beauty, as the pictures remind me, and a natural grace and goodness toward others that few have shown. My mother was much like that as well. That they shared this (or these) traits along with others less beneficial, is not as surprising now, after 22 months of therapy. 

Sleep will come soon, hopefully.

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