What is and What Should Never Be

Entry 1. May 21, 2022

The days of my children's early youth often would find me behind a camera to capture the fleeting moments of childhood, of life. I stopped really taking pictures around the time Abby was nearing high school. I dunno why. Nevertheless, now that I am digging in, trying to force myself to finish start the slideshow project, there are too many pictures to go through and not enough time. I don't know the correct strategy to find the best pictures, but I will do my best. If there is an artifact of grace in this project, it is it captures the many good times there were. From the joyous moment Abby entered the world, to the bittersweet COVID driven home graduation ceremony for Leiney, there was magic in our lives. There was love and joy.

But photographs can and do lie. For instance, there is at least one photo below that was taken in the midst of the affair. I can't prove when the affair started, but I know it started in 2018, before our month long trip to Europe.

The question that first presents for me is happiness based on a lie real? Of course, the answer must be yes. Because if you feel happy you are happy, right? But it does tarnish the memory. And it does continually raise questions about what is real and what wasn't in the relationship. With her death so fresh that I have to keep changing present to past tense, it may be that I am just too close to all of this to think clearly. Moreover, mired in this funk makes thinking clearly quite difficult as well. The photographs are pretty anyway.


I saw my therapist yesterday. We agreed it would be in-person, to force me to leave the house. It worked. I got there and she wasn't wearing a mask, in a small enclosed space. I kept my N95 on, knowing it would keep me safe. 

I went straight home afterward. It isn't agoraphobia, just the anxiety arising from the depression and, as I learned yesterday from my therapist, increased anxiety is also a common side effect of the antidepressant I was prescribed. 

Hopefully, I can finish sorting pictures today, I mean what else am I going to do? In the meantime, pretty pictures follow. My favorite may be the last of them.
























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