Eggs Over Medium

 Entry 1    7:50 a.m.

Yesterday was Jenny's 51st birthday. Cards and 🌺 🌹🌹🌹 flowers 🌹💐💐🌹poured down like water from a broken water main. Moni organized a lovely party, with a handful of close friends, including Murray, which meant I stayed upstairs all afternoon.  Jenny is beloved. Also, it should be noted the class of women who attended, except for one, didn't work either because they are wealthy (4 of them) or retired (1 of them). Another took the day off from work to spend time with Jenny. 

Jenny didn't put on another fentanyl patch Tuesday night, so she was quite lucid all day yesterday. She has not had any pain that has broken through the oxy. This makes me happy. I have been fearful that a tranqued Jenny might be permanent. For now, she is better. That said, when I went to check on her early this morning, she was coming back from the bathroom and either utterly disoriented, hallucinating, or both. I will presume the former.  As she climbed back into bed and started telling me about the bright orbs she was seeing. That sounds like what happens when you are light-headed and stand up too fast. So. .  .

The house looks like a floral shop, balloons in every room, flowers covering almost every surface, cards lay in piles on the ottoman, soap and bathing products on the counter, and close to a dozen candles on the dining room table, will make for soothing baths for the next few months. 

Jenny was overwhelmed with the outpouring. I am honestly so happy for her. Given her deterioration, having a memorable birthday 🎂🎉 🍰🎂 🥳🥂 celebration 🎂🎉 was important, and helped distract her for a time. I am so very appreciative.

Leiney bought a lovely locket for her mom at Macy's and put pictures of her sister and herself in it. She also gave her a box of goodies from Lush.  

I didn't give her a card--its still in the Jeep. Buying a birthday card for a spouse with whom you aren't spousified, was an eye-opener. All these cards proclaiming the perfection of the spouse, how their love is unparalleled, et cetera, blah, blah, blah. I opted for one that didn't make any such claim, but had to leave the spousal section to make that happen. I also didn't give her a gift--she told me not to do so. 

I was told the same thing by her on an earlier birthday and complied. I had hell to pay for listening to her words. This time, I think she meant it, and also just didn't really feel it. I am over the edge on burnout. I made sure she had a nice soup for dinner, egg drop, ordered from some random Chinese place. Overall, she was beyond happy with her birthday, and ultimately, that is what matters.

Heather is here--it's her assigned day. She is good at caring for Jenny. She will be with her until 1:30, taking her to her acupuncturist and Bastyr to pick up her Chinese herbs. $1500 a month.  Yowza. This afternoon, the friend who spends untold amounts of money on Jenny is coming back over to see her. She has scheduled Jenny to meet with a medium on Zoom. I am a little disappointed this isn't being done via astral projection. If it helps bring Jenny peace of mind, then I would have her bend spoons with Uri Geller or meet with Zoltan or Carnac. I just want her not to wake up each morning in despair. It is every single day now. Why wouldn't it be? The word was invented to be used to describe just such circumstances.

Jenny managed to keep down a soft-boiled egg yesterday. This morning I blended her smoothie, but I will wager she will try to eat solids again tonight. I would.

Jenny's sister Moni, texting me last night concerned about Abby and Jenny's relationship. We have had a very frank and open discussion. Moni is incredibly sad for both girls, and has resolved to talk to Jenny about it. I told her 

Leiney came to Jenny two days ago about Jenny not making any effort to spend time with neither she nor Abby. This whole thing, all the dysfunctions of our family, it is so hard to disentangle it from the trauma of the disease. The increasing selfishness that Jenny continues to exhibit by putting her friends before family, existed well before she fell ill. It is amplified with the disease to be sure.. I have no clue how to fix it. Pleading with her hasn't worked. This same dysfunction has also meant that so many people are always coming forward to help, it is a complicated situation. What isn't complicated is that she is dying, and she has only so much time to get her business fixed right with Abby (and Leiney). Jenny's legacy if she doesn't make amends, is leaving a child who feels she isn't enough for her mother, isn't loved by her, and riddled with thr guilt she will feel being angry about being angry. 

Finally, I realized that my trip to Hawaii, when Jenny is so precarious, would play hell on the girls (and me), if she died while we were in Maui.  So, we are going to go, if anywhere, somewhere in the contiguous United States in February, the girls and I.

This whole situation is so completely tragic. Willow and Buddy help soften the harsh realities every single day.

Entry 2    12:40 p.m.

Jenny texted to tell me she fell at the acupuncturist's office. She was trying to keep up with him as they walked down the hall, and it was just too much and she collapsed. She was upset, but won't stop pushing back against this disease that is stealing her life from her one piece at a time.