Fire and Rain

39 years ago today I graduated from high school. 5 days later my best friend since childhood died. He was gone in an instant. It was such a terrible loss for the world. A kinder and funnier person I can't say I've met.  Much love, Corey.

I held Buddy yesterday on my lap in our living room as the vet came to put him down. He seemed so normal through the day. Outside, he ran and barked through the fence at who knows what? But his prostate was so large his urethra was pinched off causing him to emit urine like a double kinked hose lets water flow. This made it clear it had to be done.

Leiney, Jared and Abby were here too. The vet was very kind. She explained the two step process of giving a sedative and letting it take effect, before administering the

coup de grâce. The sedative took a very long time to work, such that Buddy had to get the full dose, which initially we didn't think would be necessary. Holding him as he drifted off slowly, the girls each gave him loving attention as I sobbed like a little boy. Fuck, this hurts.

Once he was out and we were done with remembrances, the vet who had repaired to another area to give us privacy, came, shaved Buddy's paw, and injected him with some drug that killed him within a few seconds. It was much faster than I expected, his passing was. I held Buddy Love Larry Miller Gamache for several minutes, stroking him. The vet made a cast of his paw print and affixed Buddy's name to it. I then told her we were ready. She wrapped the old boy in a blanket and hoisted him up, me quietly sobbing. Doctor's bag in one hand, his corpse in the other, she quietly went to the door and Leiney got up and let her out. Rest in peace, old boy. 

Jane and Mike brought dinner for us. I don't know what I would do without my sister.When they were here, I showed them the battle scar from the plastic Adirondack chair breaking. The pieces that remained were shaped like blades, and left wounds on my side of 4 inches on the left side, and a minimal puncture wound on my right. The serious wound hurts less than one would think, given how it looks.

I am taking all 4 of the plastic death traps to the dump soon enough, after the second chair broke the other day when I sat in it. I am not THAT heavy, and the chairs are probably more than 5 years old, Abby thinks. I have no idea. 

I don't really have a chair I can put out there right now, and will wait to buy an actual Adirondack--the kind made of wood--until later in the summer. The space is incredibly lush, and with the wind chimes, string lights and the rest, my sanctuary. I sat and read out there through May, as I recovered from my heart attack. It was heavenly.

Abby has finally put together one of her planters and planted vegetables and herbs. It is still a work in progress, but I am happy. She isn't making the second bed. It only took 3 months to build the thing, but I wasn't sure it was ever going to happen--so I am pleased. 

It has been a very nice Father's Day. We marked it by first going to Swanson's and buying a Western Red Cedar to plant in the yard. I am very excited. I also grabbed a couple of huckleberry plants, which should thrive with all the direct sunlight the yard gets. 

After we picked up the plants, we met Leiney to watch  the latest Spiderman movie at OakTree. That place has fallen on hard hard times. The Larry's Market--which died 15 or so years ago and has housed at least two failed businesses since, is now completely boarded up with plywood. Eerie. The movie itself was good. When it was over, Abby and I drove home, stopping by the local produce stand to grab some more plants and dirt.

At 6, Jared and Leiney arrived and, along with Abby took me out to eat, which was lovely.  I learned for the first time that Abby had to read Foucault for her queer studies class she took through Running Start.

Tomahawk Newspaper Staff, 1984.

My reaction was to say I thought post-modernism is dead. She assured me it isn't, and half-lamented and half-proudly told me she had to read a lot of Foucault. It's probably been 20 years since I read any post-modern criticism, but I still read critical theory every now and then. Maybe Abby and I can actually have an intellectual discussion about what she is learning, once she gets past this teenager thing. I hate to state the obvious, but I feel like I am missing a limb when Jenny isn't at these holidays and milestones. 

Willow continues to be confounded by Buddy's absence. Today she was left alone twice, this the first time she has ever been truly alone since we got her. She will be fine, but I feel awful for her.