Summertime Rolls

I now work for a dot com. Well, I work for a Silicon Valley manufacturer. Well, I work for a Silicon Valley manufacturer. I was offered a lot of money to take the job. I counted all my chickens. I planned on pulling up stakes and moving to California. I have been looking for steal estate in Los Angeles and Riverside. One story with lots of yard. I told all my dearest California friends I am moving down in the fall.

On day 2 of the job, three weeks ago, the company announces all bonuses are canceled, there will be a one week furlough in March, and I am not getting stock options. . . Oh, and the coup de grace, the company has ceased to contribute to the 401k.

 My plans are pushed back. My effective wage cut in 2023 more than 50k, all told. So, I am putting it on hold.

‐--------------------------------------------------------------

Abby had gotten into all of her fallback schools, Willamette, Columbia College (not the Ivy), and Hollis, a single gender school in Roanoke. 16 schools she has applied to in total. Tonight, she has left to go to a sleepover. She may or may not spend the night, but we shall see. She has gone to less than a handful of sleepovers over thr last 17 and 5/6 years. She has been invited to more, but just doesn't like them. I get it. True to form, she came home after 9.

★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆★

Leiney almost is NEVER home. I miss her so much.

★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆★

I keep intending to write down all the things happening as I have transitioned to this new job, and as life goes on around me. I am not so busy I don't have time to write. There are many reasons for this. I was waiting until I heard about the other job, I didn't get it, and then felt down in the mouth about it, so then didn't write. 

I walk the razors edge every day. The grief is not so apparent this week, nor the anger. The sense of displacement, or perhaps a better term would be dislocation, is pervasive. I can't get my sea legs in this new regime. I am stuck in a purgatory of the unknown and  unwelcome future. 

I am lonely, remarkably so. I miss Jenny, the woman with whom I fell in love. I miss Jenny, the woman who loathed me in the end. I miss companionship, but I will be damned if I risk enduring any heartbreak. I'm not close to ready. Were I ready, it would be another feckless attempt at what? I can't trust anyone else, nor myself.



 

 


 



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