F-R-I-D-A-Y

 

Fuck. Loss is so painful. I lost my best friend at 17, 5 days after graduating from high school. I lost another close friend now almost 20 years ago. Then my mom. In three days I will mark a year without Jenny. Truth be told, without knowing it, I had lost her several years before. Her death, her dying, was a process of losing her twice. 

But that is the Cliffnotes version of loss. I watched so many young boys and girls that we befriended at camp die over the years, I can confidently say I have attended more funerals than weddings by a stretch. The curse of Facebook is that people die and sometimes you know it, and are then reminded of it when their birthdays come along. Worse is when you wish someone Happy Birthday, like I did Tim Fisk last week, only to learn he'd been taken by glioblastoma, after the well wishing had been posted. 

I've made it into my mid-50s, so I should feel blessed. In moments of darkness, when I contemplate checking out, I remind myself that I am an atheist, and even if I were wrong, Jenny wouldn't be waiting for me. Even If I weren't a non-believer and had some inkling I could reunite with my loved ones, the knowledge of the pain that would cause my children stays my hand, as does the knowledge that a suicide in the family significantly increases the odds that another family member will punch her own ticket. Still, life can be so painful that the siren call is, like tinnitus, is always there, a low ringing in my ears.

Friday is the one year mark. It's also opening night for Abby for YTN's production of Heather's. I will meet Leiney and Jared for dinner at Mio Posto. This dinner is important to me because I missed Leiney's 21st birthday on Sunday.

I prepared for this party, intended to go. I went and got food and plates and cups at Costco, went to Party City to get balloons and napkins. I cleaned the house top to bottom. I cooked the food, and generally readied the house. Abby, love that she is, decorated the house and made the cake--heart shaped btw.

Folks were coming at 5. I knew I has to work that evening, bargaining in Malaysia, but thought it started much later. In fact, it started at 5, which was coincident with the party. I don't know if I can blame my ADD or a late update to the calendar invite. It doesn't matter. I couldn't attend.

Leiney had an amazing time. Her aunties and their families were all here, save Chris who is in Sun Valley for the winter. Still, I missed it and felt terrible, and need to make it up to her. I did Venmo her cash--10 dollars for every year she has been on the planet, so I feel good about that. 

But what kind of asshole doesn't make sure he is at his daughter's 21st birthday, the first birthday celebrated after her mother's death and a milestone birthday to boot. I remember my 21st birthday so clearly. I went to see B.B. King at Parkers with my mom and eldest sister. I remember what I wore, including the silver and black bull skull bolero tie I borrowed from my then girlfriend Margy's roommate Cindy. I feel bad I won't be part of Leiney's memory of her celebration.