kvetching up

I wrote to the tandem therapist some weeks ago. She responded, if what she said below is deserving of that description. I didn't find her response until today. Perhaps it's brevity and lack of response is borne of legal concerns, or perhaps it's just a failing of a search for the right words. Anyway, the conversation follows. Shayla  <shayla@xxxxxxx.com>  M To: "Geoff D. Miller" <gdmiller88@gmail.com> Hi Geoff,   I am touched to hear from you. I think about you often. It sounds like you have been doing some deep work and reflecting. I am so glad. And even though the pain is still so present it sounds like you and your girls are surviving together.   I want you to know that I have been honored to know you and allowed to peak into your life’s journey. Thank you very much Geoff.   And please feel free to reach out to me when you want to.   Thank you.     -- Shayla , MA, LMFTA,   From:   Geoff D. Miller < gdmiller88@gmail.com...

  Fuck. Loss is so painful. I lost my best friend at 17, 5 days after graduating from high school. I lost another close friend now almost 20 years ago. Then my mom. In three days I will mark a year without Jenny. Truth be told, without knowing it, I had lost her several years before. Her death, her dying, was a process of losing her twice.  But that is the Cliffnotes version of loss. I watched so many young boys and girls that we befriended at camp die over the years, I can confidently say I have attended more funerals than weddings by a stretch. The curse of Facebook is that people die and sometimes you know it, and are then reminded of it when their birthdays come along. Worse is when you wish someone Happy Birthday, like I did Tim Fisk last week, only to learn he'd been taken by glioblastoma, after the well wishing had been posted.  I've made it into my mid-50s, so I should feel blessed. In moments of darkness, when I contemplate checking out, I remind myself that I am...

Tomorrow is Leiney's 21st birthday. Family will be flocking to the house. Friday is the one year mark . These two events are so closely linked for Leiney it must be painful. For the rest of her life, it will pop up, an undesired painful reality of life's comings and goings. Leiney seems well adjusted, or reasonably so. Honestly, I have no clue how she is doing,it is just pure surmise. Other than the ham handed, how are you doing, I am failing to ask questions that really tell me more than just what she wants to surface.   Truth be told, I vacillate from being just fine thank you very much to abject despair.

I now work for a dot com. Well, I work for a Silicon Valley manufacturer. Well, I work for a Silicon Valley manufacturer. I was offered a lot of money to take the job. I counted all my chickens. I planned on pulling up stakes and moving to California. I have been looking for steal estate in Los Angeles and Riverside. One story with lots of yard. I told all my dearest California friends I am moving down in the fall. On day 2 of the job, three weeks ago, the company announces all bonuses are canceled, there will be a one week furlough in March, and I am not getting stock options. . . Oh, and the coup de grace, the company has ceased to contribute to the 401k.  My plans are pushed back. My effective wage cut in 2023 more than 50k, all told. So, I am putting it on hold. ‐-------------------------------------------------------------- Abby had gotten into all of her fallback schools, Willamette, Columbia College (not the Ivy), and Hollis, a single gender school in Roanoke. 16 schools she...

Jenny's suicide attempt was two years ago yesterday. Today, I am still wallowing in anger. If anything, as we approach the one year anniversary of her death, I am more angry than I would have hoped to be. I need a new therapist.  I charged her phone to cancel our milk delivery--I don't have the password on my phone, and for some reason it doesn't show up in her password list. Anyway, I went down the rabbit hole like some middle-aged Alice again. I should note that in October of 2021, while she was lamenting to her friends how awful I was, she was telling her sisters that we were in the best place we had been in years, and that she was happy. That she was lying to both is interesting--she was seeing Eric every day according to her own words--so we weren't doing that great. But the larger point here is she lied and manipulated everyone. At least I wasn't alone.