On A Sailing Ship To Nowhere, Leaving Any Place

"The flowers do fade, and wanton fields,

To wayward winter reckoning yields,
A honey tongue, a heart of gall,
Is fancy’s spring, but sorrow’s fall."

--from The Nymph's Reply by Sir Walter Raleigh

Janus, The Two-Faced God

The night ended with this communique:

Jenny got home last night and sought me out for affection. She knows the drill. I have walled off that part of my relationship with her. She has been clear she loves someone else, wont give up the relationship, and has determined I am not worth the risk. This has been de rigeur since September. Keep in mind this refusal to cuddle has been understood since September. It was all good until I told ~~Eric's~~ el pinché motherfucker's wife of the long term tawdry affair.

Last night was no different. Jenny came home, and mind you I hadn't seen her since Sunday, and she sought me out for affection. I was pissed already and more rigid than I am typically. However, I don't put my arm around her except when she is sick or sad and needs comforting. She leaned on me, desperately trying to get a response. I gray-rocked. This can't have been a surprise. It isn't new. It lasted 30 minutes or more. She persisted. I didn't ask her to stop. I just didn't respond. Eventually, she went to bed and sent the above texts. 12:04 was the end of the colloquy, I wasn't taking the bait. Every two weeks or so now, she suggests she is leaving because I won't pretend the affair didn't happen or isn't happening. But, I have discussed that at length in past posts. I woke up this morning to more of the same.

Alice is a kindred spirit

I had a fitful sleep. Not because of the interaction above, or for any reason, really. I slept alot and was awake quite a bit. I actually enjoy such fitful sleep and when I finally awoke for the day, was in a great mood. As I got closer to waking up, but still sleeping in fits, I thought I heard the bath running and assumed Jenny was soaking her hips. It was quiet when I awoke, so after letting the dog out, I checked Jenny's bed and finding it empty, sought her out. I found her sitting in the empty bath wearing nothing but her dark blue towel, arms wrapped around her knees.

I offered a good morning, and she announced she thinks she needs to move out. She needs affection and I am not providing it. It feels like punishment, she says. From rote I explain that she has told me that she loves someone else, that I am not worth risking ending that relationship and trying to fix this one, and therefore I have intentionally distanced myself.

I have to write this all down, because I have to capture the gaslighting. . . See if you can identify it as we move forward. . .

Jenny says, in response, "you made a choice [telling ~~Eric's~~ el pinché motherfucker's wife] that means I can't see him." And she doesn't know if we can fix our relationship [confirming its not worth the risk], that I am not giving her the affection she needs and can't trust I won't revert to mean should she end it with ~~Eric~~ el pinché motherfucker.

I point out that even now she isn't willing to say she will cease the relationship and then get her to confirm she talks to him "almost" every day. She claims she can't remember the last time she saw him--note this indicates she would see him if she could. I didn't suggest she check my journal to refresh her memory.

The conversation ends, and she tells me she is going to chemo alone. I took the day off because I expected and WANTED to take her. I responded, saying she knows I want to take her. However, I didn't beg.

This could be a case study in manipulation. I withhold affection to distance from her because she refuses to stop the affair. Contrast that with her reasons for excluding me from chemo, "You won't sleep in our bed, you won't hold me, you won't hug me."

Ignoring her, I rouse Leiney and she and I go to the coffee stand. When we return, both Jenny and her car are gone. Her decaf latte then sat getting cold.

This is the pattern. She demands affection, and her demand is not met. She threatens to move out, then leaves in her car, expecting me to react with concern and panic. Over and again since September. Instead, today I text her that I have coffee for her and suggest she should come retrieve it. After an inconsequential back and forth, this exchange happens:

Now, even if I was born this week, as they say, I wasn't born yesterday. I sense a course correction coming, but its akin to that ship stuck in the Suez, even though it finally was moved, it still sits in the same waters, unable to unload its cargo. In other words, Jenny has never agreed to and will not stop the relationship. She told me just a couple weeks ago she was going to see ~~Eric~~ the pinché motherfucker. Also, pretty damn sure she has seen him and may even be seeing him right now. Really, who knows? It ultimately doesn't matter. I am here to care for her because I love her, but if she weren't ill, my choice would likely be materially different.

When I say I sense a course correction, I think she is going to try and use the argument above going forward, she doesn't want to hurt me because as part of our agreement that keeps me here, she has to tell me when she sees him. Nevermind that she doesn't do that now, always tell me when she sees him, that is. But, it's about her feelings, even so, the way she couches it. She can't stand the feeling she has when she has to tell me she is going to see him. So, am I the obstacle or is Kandice? Unclear. Also, she was either lying before with the original excuse, lying with her new excuse, or both. I vote for both.

I am posting the remnants to the back and forth, they dont require further explication: