It's A Big Old Goofy World

"'Cause if you lie like a rug

And you don't give a damn

You're never gonna be
As happy as a clam."

--from Big Old Goofy World by John Prine.

Yesterday was full of a lot of tomfoolery, but I am starting to feel getting into it here, every day, is a bit like watching Gilligan in syndication.  You know what's going to happen. You've seen Gilligan reruns 1000 times, and maybe this specific episode 70 times.  It doesn't get more interesting with each additional viewing. There are no Easter eggs to discover, Everyone is still shitty to Gilligan, and no one ever explains why everyone brought their baggage on what was only supposed to be a three hour tour. The show, like these stories, might feel like there is a point to them, but ultimately, is there?  Apart from my need to tell, from my perspective, this story? The catharsis is real, but so is the injury. It's like watching two trains colliding over and again, and expecting to feel better because of it. I will offer yesterday's tale to prove the point.

Again, yesterday. While I was working downstairs, I heard Jenny call me a fucking asshole at the top of her lungs.  Yes, that happened. Its unusual, she used to get angry with me when we would fight and I would swear. If I uttered the word fuck, or bullshit, she would accuse me of swearing at her.  It didn't happen often, but I always felt taken down a notch when she did it, and worked hard not to do that.

Meanwhile, she called me a fucking asshole.  Turns out, a mutual friend told her I had discussed the affair with her.  Jenny trashed me on the call for almost an hour. I kept texting, asking her to close her door, and finally came upstairs, leaving my meeting, to ask her to do so.  Abby heard every word of Jenny badmouthing me, how could she not, her room literally next to Jenny's. 

My cardinal sin, according to Jenny, is that I didn't mention that I had an affair 10+ years ago, when divulging that information. Please note, I also didn't divulge her earlier affair.  Why? Both were mistakes and short-lived and long ago. We have apologized to one another and moved on, albeit she now denies this earlier dalliance of hers.  That was a rough patch in our lives.  She is today, yes, even now, still having an affair. How is this confusing? She won't agree to stop seeing him, to stop communicating with him, to say it's worth recommitting.

So, she got off the phone, saw my texts, and came downstairs loaded for bear.  I disarmed her immediately. I said, "I don't care what you say about me to other people, I just don't want Abby to hear you trash me." She went limp.  It didn't last.  She began demanding a list of everyone I have told.  I refused. It's not my secret to keep, this affair.  She began speculating that I told some people who are no longer communicating with her.  I didn't.  She offered other names. I denied telling them.  

The truth is, I talked about her affair and the refusal to stop for a long time and with anyone who would listen.  If you are reading this, I think you know I didn't trash her, didn't attack her personally.  I told people what I knew, what had happened and was happening. This isn't to say I am not bitterly disappointed, hurt and angry.  But, I have only and solely told the truth, provided the facts as I discovered them.  

I have saved every hotel receipt, every lewd message, every picture exchanged, every flight itinerary, reservation slip, credit card receipt I have found.  I thought I was saving them for the pinché motherfucker's wife.  But she hasn't contacted me since our first and only talk.  I save the detritus of their tawdry affair now to remind me that this really is happening, that naked facts speak louder than her honeyed words. 

So, that was yesterday.  It is not much of a change. I don't see how it's much different than the day before, the month before.  .  .  FWIW, I don't know what it's worth.