kvetching up

Entry 1  " Ain't it just like the night to play tricks When you're trying to be so quiet?"                         -from Visions of Johanna  From Notre Dame 7.11.2018. When Jenny was first diagnosed, I had a recurring nightmare. In a darkened room, lit only by candles in candelabra's sitting on an ornately carved dining room table, sat Mick, Omi and my mother dressed in flowing white robes, stern-faced. My mother and Omi sat across from me at one end of the table, with Mic to my right at the head of the very long table. I don't remember if they said anything to me, but I do know they were very disapproving of the way I was and had treated Jenny. Their presence was terrifying. I felt as if I was visiting the land of the dead and being adjudged a failure in my relationship with my cancer-diagnosed wife.      ⬲⬐⬐⬐⬐ ⬐⬐⬐⬐ ⬐⬐⬐⬐ ⬐⬐⬐⬐ ⬐⬐⬐⬐ ⬐⬐⬐⬐ ⬐⬐⬐⬐ ⬲ In my waking life, despite knowing it w...

Entry 1 San Francisco, April 2017.   The weather the last few days has been amazing. It's nearly 6 p.m., spring starting later tonight, and the front door is wide open. There isn't a cloud in the sky, a breeze with a slight chill is blowing. Abby is downstairs, the dog isn't barking. A rather good day, I would admit.  The Cure just won't get out of my head. I really wish I could find the courage to let it all go. Moving will help, I think. Keep your fingers crossed, the odds I will move to Portland are looking better than even. The recruiter, ever optimistic, thinks I may be flown down as early as Friday. I hope not, given Abby is here, but she will understand.  Meanwhile, I learned yesterday that my lazy  boss is, well, lazy. He told me last week that he asked if my temporary status Seward Street Slides, 2017. could be extended so I wouldn't have a break in service and thus not go unpaid, and was told he could. Yesterday, he told me he was wrong. I pressed him, an...

 Entry 1 As I wrestle with the beast, trying my best to climb out of its lair, today I fly to the Tri-Cities . This may be madness--it probably is--but off I go. My kid is on her way to pick me up and deposit me at the airport. The interview process begins tomorrow morning at 6:15 a.m. Yep. Done by noon or so, home by 8 p.m. I expect an offer--they asked me for two pieces of ID, the kind required for the I-9. I can't imagine any other reason they'd ask, but that doesn't mean I would know.  My stomach has been killing me the last 4 days. I feel a bit better this morning, but not 100 per cent. I have no fever, but feel a bit weak. Last night it seemed to have peaked, at least I hope so. I live in this home in a neighborhood ill-designed for walking, with or without a bullet-proof vest. I live in a house my wife died in, and which is far too huge for me. I live in a place far too gray. Richland isn't the solution to the last of these problems, nor is Portland. I am not eve...

 Entry 1    " Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me ."                                                                                                                         -- Psalm 23:4-6  Two years and three days after Jenny's body was taken by the University of Washington to  allow medical students to practice autopsies or whatever it may be that they choose to do, ...

Entry 1 If you are a friend or family member, you likely know I have dug in. Deep. This sun is helping, as will daylight savings time, I expect. Seasonal Affective Disorder is real. I also think living in this house, with all the painful memories, and sleeping inches from where Jenny died, both make depression more likely. Not that there aren't a lot of wonderful memories here. Okay, not so many. Leiney essentially moved out three weeks after Jenny died, for the most part, and completely a few months later. Abby was here longer, but spent much of her time teenagering and then went off to college. We had nice times here, when she was present.  Which brings me to thinking of moving . Today, I met with a recruiter from PGE-Portland General Electric, they are looking for someone with extensive experience, to take the deputy role, and then to likely transition into the Director role. A ratepayer funded entity--the pay is fabulous and the work sounds interesting. The recruiter and I clic...

 Entry 1 It's been two years and a day. Time to get myself up, brush myself off, and start all over again. I will not let this be another excuse to break me. I fought through childhood drug abuse. I fought through depression. I made it through university, law school, bad press and the lot. While this may have been, let's hope, the highest peak to scale, climb it I will. Jared and Leiney spent the evening with me. Jared made dinner. It was tasty. I love the young woman Leiney has become and can't wait to see what tomorrow brings. Now that her tabs are paid for, expired for 6 months, did I mention that, I am much more relaxed. She has such anxiety, I can't imagine how she would have reacted if she had been pulled over, only to learn her tabs were no good. I have a job interview this morning, the never ending quest. It's for a place in Richland. They reached out to me. The pay is insane. It requires a security clearance, I discovered last night. Who knows?

Entry 1 " He's making a list, he's checking it twice, he's gonna find out whose naughty or nice. "  A month after you are diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, you go on a backpacking trip with your husband, your sisters, and their spouses.Your husband notices some weird shit has been happening around the home, like your decision to let someone else cut your hair, despite his pathetic pleading to you to let him do it. He is suspicious, not for the first time since you have been Lake Quinalt, 2013. together. Each time in the past, when he confronted you, you eventually copped to the affair, like you did with Tom. There were other times he suspected, but didn't confront you. There was never  a time he was aware of, when you thought you'd been caught before he talked to you about it. You have been cheating on your spouse for several years with el pinche. The evidence your spouse found of the affair is legion, found on your phone while laying in the tent that nigh...