So fast, so slow

I am laying naked on the bed, the ceiling fan pushing the cool air over my corpulent magnificence. 

The kids seem pretty happy. Abby is back in school. Leiney is on Orcas Island with her boyfriend for 5 days. I, as I mentioned above, am laying in the dark, naked and alone on my messy bed.  Not quite alone. Willow and Buddy are like spiders, you are never really more than 10 feet from one of them at any time.

I've nixed sending the girls to Hawaii for Thanksgiving with my sister. I need them here with me. I want them here with me, not somewhere else as we mark our first Thanksgiving without Jenny.

If I were to be asked how I am getting along, I'd say, I am lost. I am sad. I am relieved the suffering for Jenny has ended. But, I feel a huge hole in our lives that I can't begin to understand how to fill. 


I have resigned myself to living in a terrible limbo. I am utterly detached to anything at all outside my immediate family and a couple of very close friends. I am listless, dull. My motivation caught the last flight out of town about 13 months before Jenny passed, and there are no symptoms it is coming back. My concentration, my ability to focus on one thing for any amount of time, wanes like a late phase moon just as the sun rises.

I stopped writing in this journal, not because I have nothing I want to say or need to say. I am Low Energy Jeb.

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