Melancholy

 Entry 1 10:21 a.m.

I can't stop crying. All morning. It's wrenching. Raw. Despairing. Its overwhelming,, this feeling of loss and sorrow. I don't remember a worse feeling. I'm sad Jenny was so scared, so terrified. I'm sorry we were so broken. I'm sorry she forgot about the kids for so long. I am sorry I was so blind to it for so long. I'm sorry I didn't understand BPD. I'm sorry I didn't know that people with BPD forget occurences they lose their shit. I'm sorry she didn't love me anymore. I'm sorry she didn't think I was loving enough for her. I'm sorry I failed her. I'm sorry I failed my children. I'm sorry we can't go back and make it all right. I'm sorry she had to die. I'm sorry she had to die so young. I'm sorry that I couldn't get her to finish all the things she wanted to accomplish before she died. I'm sorry I didn't know how much she hated herself. I'm sorry that when she told me, long before I discovered the affair, that she was the most terrible person she had ever known and hated herself, that I did more than suggest she talk to her therapist and up her antidepressant. I'm sorry I couldn't help her fix her relationship with Abby. I'm sorry I didn't understand how all consuming her fear of abandonment was, didn't understand she wasn't bullshitting about that fear when she lraised it in tandem therapy. I'm sorry I found out she and el pinche were fucking every week throughout her illness. I'm sorry I couldn't convince her that she was hurting me, killing me. I'm sorry I didn't know how to tell whether  she was lying or telling thr truth. I'm sorry my trust kept snapping back after every single fucking betrayal. I am sorry I can't hold her and comfort her any more. I'm sorry that she no longer loved me. I'm sorry she wrote that she was only staying with me for my insurance, money, and care that I provides to her. I am sorry I could t ease her suffering those last several days. I'm sorry she lied about me to her friends. I'm sorry I read everything about me she wrote and didn't delete. I'm sorry I believed her when she said she loved me. I'm sorry she blamed me for her affair. I'm sorry she will never see another of Leiney or Abby's birthdays. I am sorry she won't see Abby graduate, won't see them bloom, love, and continue to grow as women. I am just sorry about everything. I  am sorry. 

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