kvetching up

Celebration of Life Video

 Entry 1.  11:12 a.m. Thanks to all of you who attended the celebration yesterday, and those of you who couldn't attend but sent kind words instead. At the event, I, who have been a hermit for the last many weeks, greeted and spoke with dozens of people who wanted to express their condolences. I hadn't thought about that really, until the night before. I soldiered through it, and it was really lovely to hear all the people expressing their love for Jenny and well wishes for the kids and I.  I should say, the ceremony itself was one Jenny would have loved, opening with her sister Chris speaking, and closing with Wake Me Up Before You Go Go. Others including myself,  filled the spaces in-between.  I made a passable slideshow, which I never bothered to revise, save to remove and replace the one picture of toddler Moni that somehow fell into the mix. I couldn't watch it. I would cry as soon as it started rolling and I could hear Iris Dement singing the opening lines...

 Entry 1 10:21 a.m. I can't stop crying. All morning. It's wrenching. Raw. Despairing. Its overwhelming,, this feeling of loss and sorrow. I don't remember a worse feeling. I'm sad Jenny was so scared, so terrified. I'm sorry we were so broken. I'm sorry she forgot about the kids for so long. I am sorry I was so blind to it for so long. I'm sorry I didn't understand BPD. I'm sorry I didn't know that people with BPD forget occurences they lose their shit. I'm sorry she didn't love me anymore. I'm sorry she didn't think I was loving enough for her. I'm sorry I failed her. I'm sorry I failed my children. I'm sorry we can't go back and make it all right. I'm sorry she had to die. I'm sorry she had to die so young. I'm sorry that I couldn't get her to finish all the things she wanted to accomplish before she died. I'm sorry I didn't know how much she hated herself. I'm sorry that when she tol...