Le Petit Mort
Every day is a gift, each hour a curse. I am spiraling, have been spiraling for much of the last year without advertisement or much complaint. I have almost turned myself off completely--as if I had some sort of standby mode setting. The system kicked over after my heart attack. For a few months I was ok. Well, I was never ok. For a few months I felt I had figured out how to get on despite the broken engine. I quit my job in October and returned to the city a temp. I felt more centered in this work and fooled myself it was all working out for the best. Then, I stopped going to rehab because of chest pain. I saw a doctor, but lost all motivation when he told me that open-heart surgery is a genuine possibility. I figured I probably needed a permanent job b4 I determined that open heart surgery was the best idea. (Truth be told, I also am just stuck--a serious depression has been wrestling with my psyche since Jenny died, and I may be pinned at this point.) So, knowing that I w...