kvetching up

I was bored this evening. When bored I look at places I might travel. I looked at Christmas in Arosa, Switzerland, Paris, France, and Berlin, Germany. I could take my girls for 9 days in Berlin, stay st the downtown Berlin Holiday Inn Express for 640 bucks. Go search yourself. Given that there may be no natural gas in Germany come Winter, that their economy is stalling, and well, let's be honest, last time I was there their Nazis were feeling frisky, it doesn't seem like the safest of plans. Besides, I have zero vacation given my long weeks away from work. Someone asked me the other day how I was doing. I responded that it depends on the day. The day before yesterday I was relieved that this person who had so come to loathe me wasn't here to glower at me. Yesterday, I said, I missed her tenderness. I do today as well.  Being back at work brings some measure of normality, which is welcome. A routine, fixing problems, using my mind productively, all that js welcome. Still, ba...

I drove through Redmond for the first time since Omi and Jenny passed. All these backroads and byways Jenny and I traveled all through the years, full of meaning and memory. I am right now at the  Bonnie Raitt show at the Winery. Out with my sisters, forcing myself to get out somehow. This was the only way I managed to do it.  Mavis Staples opened. I can't enjoy it. Right now she is dedicating a sing to John Prine. All amazing stuff. Just unbelievably beautiful. I can't find any way to enjoy it. The ghosts are everywhere. The could have been, the never were, the never will bes blocking the horizon.  "They say Jesus brings you peace and grace, well he ain't found me yet."

I have taken a long break as I burned through 13 weeks of fmla and bereavement leave. The pain of loss isn't as raw. The feeling of shock at the betrayal--not so novel .  I am trying to channel my energy. I am attacking the blackberry bushes with a fervor that lasted two minutes before I tried to cut my finger off with hedge trimmers on Saturday.  A pole saw and brush cutter come tomorrow. Along with those items, the first installment of wood will be delivered for the hogwire fence Jeff is building at a cost far less than the 25k I was quoted by All City. Work begins in two days. My excitement surprises me. I can't wait to get back to it. In the meantime, I will tackle the yard, the dogs and the house.